Breaking News: Apple Buys USAID and US State Department

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WASHINGTON, D.C.For Immediate Release, April 1, 2017 – Apple® today announced it has agreed to acquire the critically acclaimed US Department of State and the related US Agency for International Development, which together shape and sustain a peaceful and prosperous democratic world for the benefit of American corporations.
“This a landmark public-private partnership,” said U.S. Secretary of State Rex Tillerson. “The American people are relieved of expensive government agencies that I didn’t want to run anyway.”
Present Donald Trump tweeted, “I am honered that Apple payed us for State. Hillary never thought of it. Shoker! What an unpresidented leightweight.”
As part of this flagship Global Development Alliance, Apple will finance the acquisition through annual $48 billion payments to the US Government derived from Apple’s $65 billion annual operating cash flows.
Even with the $48 billion annual payment, Apple will still be able to profitably fund its operations and comfortably add to its $246 billion overseas cash reserves – three times larger than the Federal Reserve’s $70 billion cash reserves.
“Multinationals interested in regulatory capture should take note,” said White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer. “This is the first step in the President’s commitment to cyber. We have several parties interested in the FCC too. The US Government is open for business.”
“That Apple can buy the entire US Foreign Assistance budget with what is in essence, pocket change to them, shows the dominance of the iPhone, the real power of Silicon Valley, and the utter inconsequence of the President’s budgetary suggestions,” said Representative Richard Ashely, D, District of Columbia.
Congratulations to Apple,” said Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation co-chair Bill Gates. “We considered acquiring the World Bank, but even as the world’s largest foundation with a $40 billion endowment, we have only $4 billion in annual distributions. That’s about the same as the Bank’s annual budget.”
Apple gains two unique assets in this acquisition.
The State Department brings a unique ability to expand economic opportunities overseas for US telecommunications firms, increasing domestic US employment in Silicon Valley and Fort Meade, Maryland. USAID has an unparalleled reach into emerging markets yet to be dominated by iOS, ensuring that the iPhone remains the world’s best source for tech neck.
“The reality is you can see countries in the world that isolate themselves from the latest personal devices – it’s not good for their people, “ said Apple CEO Tim Cook. “Soon we will be airdropping iPhones across the country of Africa, in our The Gods Must be Steve Jobs innovation acceleration program.”
“I’m excited for Apple, “ said Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg, “Our experience with the USAID International Drones for Internet of Things Grand Challenge for Development (USAID IDIoT GCD) showed how public-private partnerships with technology companies can be synergetic win-win innovations.”
Apple’s acquisition will bring immediate changes to both organizations.
The State Department dress code change from dark suits to black turtlenecks and jeans, regardless of gender identity, official diplomatic cables will be replaced by iMessage, and staff will be issued iPhones to replace their 00’ era Blackberry phones and iCloud Mail to replace hacked AOL email accounts.
USAID Missions will be renamed Development Genius Bars, and the Global Health Bureau will be merged with the Apple Watch Research Kit division. Vaccines will be issued in really fancy packaging, and U2 songs will be distributed to all aid beneficiaries, regardless of musical tastes.
For State Department and USAID, the Foreign Service Officer Test will be replaced by How Bad is the New MacBook? Test, all non-US Citizen staff will be replaced by suicidal Foxconn factory workers, and Washington, DC-based workforce would be moved to Apple’s new headquarters, Apple Park. The company’s iconic address – One Infinite Loop – will be renamed “One Indefinite Quadrennial Diplomacy and Development Review”.
“I’m impressed by Apple’s private sector approach to government,” said White House Office of American Innovation SWAT Team lead Jared Kushner, “I expect they will give away diplomacy and development expertise to sell more gadgets and then charge extra for headphones and dongles that people will inevitably lose.”
About Apple
Apple revolutionized personal technology with the introduction of the Macintosh in 1984 and the iPhone in 2007. Today, Apple leads the world in hoarding cash overseas, but not really “overseas”.
Press Contact: Apple Office of April Fools
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